Happy Pride
The happiest time of the year feels different this time.
It’s my favorite time of the year, Pride month. This year is a little bittersweet for many reasons. Unrest in the community, racism, homophobia, transphobia, and sexism occur daily in this world, and it can feel so hopeless at times. So many awful things continue to happen worldwide – yet it is still time to celebrate.
Celebrate how far we have come. Celebrate inclusivity, love, and justice. Scream to the world that we are still here, and we matter!! All of us. Intersectionality is important. You can’t be queer and not advocate for your fellow Blacks, Latinx, Native Americans, trans/non-binary, and women peers. You can try – but don’t talk to me unless you are willing to open your heart and mind to see that others need our support now more than ever. You’re standing outside of the umbrella in the rain, thinking only of your own values and not of others with similar, if not more difficult, adversities in the world. Intersectionality is important. Pay attention, use your voice for good, and if you happen to be white and advocate for other races … do not forget. SHUT UP and LISTEN. Our voices aren’t what we need right now; we need our ears. Let those who are in the oppressed groups use their voices to share their stories, strength, and struggles in the world. Listen to those who for years did not have a voice. They weren’t allowed to have a voice. It’s their time to stand up and speak, and our turn to actively listen – then take action.
Another reason it feels bittersweet seems pretty insignificant compared to everything else going on in the world. It still hurts and is affecting me somehow – a kind of embarrassing way – but it’s there. I am single. Ugh – the dreaded word “single.” Why is that such a hard thing for me to accept and love? There will always be a part of me that feels less than or not gay enough if I don’t have a girlfriend. I am slowly changing that. I am learning to love myself, and I’ve come a long way – yet I don’t think I will ever get over the feeling of wanting to be wanted, cared for, to be loved. I have finally moved on from being obsessively sad to being … I don’t know. OK? Fine? Happy to be me? I own my life; I feel pride in how far I have come and still know I have a long way to go. I feel content being by myself – but it always gets to the point that I need to be touched, kissed, and loved. I can only offer myself so much – and I finally feel ready to get out there again… yet it terrifies me.
It was supposed to be my happy ending. It could have been my great love story; then it wasn’t. I was abandoned, betrayed, lied to. How it got to that point from where we began will always baffle me. I will never forget the moment she walked into my kitchen, and we made eye contact. I knew there was something there at that moment, and this was a person who would impact my life forever. I was right about her making an impact in my life, but it didn’t go the way I thought it would. I even think she expected the same as me. Yet … in the end, none of it mattered. It was a lie. It was infatuation, longing for what could be.
Then … people get lazy. They forget a relationship is something to be nurtured, cared for daily. It is full of feelings that ebb and flow. They are intense and passionate for a while, and then things fizzle out – it can become monotonous at times (a sign of a healthy relationship). If there is genuine love there – both people will do everything they can to make it work, to compromise. To put in the effort to get past the bumps… if there is true love there, you don’t run away at the first sign of trouble… you address the problem and fix it before it gets too out of hand. Of course, relationships won’t always work out how you want them to – and I get that all too well. I have had relationships break that I thought would be the end of me, and as time passed, I could see how I got away at the right time and that it was never meant to be. I also can see a relationship that I believed was meant to be but wasn’t. It was the relationship I had always dreamed of, and it felt reciprocated for a very long time. Until … it wasn’t any longer. So now, I keep dreaming. I deserve to be treated with respect, love, and looks of pride to be with me. THAT is what I dream of now.
I recently found out something that was incredibly hurtful and straight-up mean. Like … fuck you mean. She made me believe that while she was away finding the help she needed, the support would bring us back together. The time apart would allow us to work on ourselves and bring us back together stronger than before. The love letters, daily phone calls & “I love you’s,” and promises about the future – turned out to be all lies. Presented to me with made-up words said heartlessly in manipulation instead of the love that I believed with every word. Although I struggled personally, I didn’t want to add more to her plate when she needed to focus on herself. I tried my best. I called, but not enough. I told her how I felt, but not in a love letter. We got exceptions for short visits a couple of times, but not enough. I didn’t think it was fair to the others who weren’t allowed visits due to COVID.
I wasn’t perfect – but were my flaws enough to push her away – to make her run? Was it me? Did she fall for someone else? What do I keep doing wrong to make others not love me, to fall out of love with me?
How did I end up in court because I loved someone too much? I wasn’t a stalker – I wasn’t mean, aggressive, or hurtful. I wanted answers she refused to give me. Answers she didn’t know because there were none – she ran from fear, not logic. She ruined everything, for what? Because other people told her to run, that I was “too crazy”? (bipolar. is. a. bitch… and very misunderstood). What did I do so wrong?? I bought her brand new tires only for her to turn around and break it off the VERY NEXT DAY. People take and take until they don’t need me anymore. Then they leave, and suddenly they are succeeding and doing all the things I encouraged for years. Something I knew would help them, but they resisted until they no longer needed me. Do I hold people back by offering too much help? Is the only thing I have to provide financial support? *p.s. I am not racking in the money … so I am in no position to be anyone’s Sugar Mama.*
It wasn’t until I was sitting in (virtual) court… that I finally heard the truth. “Allison was under the impression we would have a relationship when I came home” … under the impression?? The impression from the daily phone calls, the “I love yous,” the love letter with promises of a future, plus her calling me her “girlfriend” countless times was pretty straightforward. I was wrong. I was “under the impression” because she fooled me into believing something she never intended to follow through with; she only needed to hang on long enough for me to keep her van and things safe while she was away… and, of course, the new tires. Then. Goodbye, Allie. Fuck you, Allie. I got what I need, and now I am gone, Allie.
I wasn’t perfect. I could have done better. She didn’t want or care to see that I could be better. She bolted. Lies, betrayal, abandonment. Those will forever be the words that come to mind when I think of our past. I used to focus on the amazing times, the trips we took together, the words she used to say to me. Now I see it all as a lie. Sure, she may have loved me in some way – and I believe she enjoyed our moments together; however, now I can only see that it was an act—a way to be taken care of and given a safe home to live in.
Her excuses are bull shit. She is retracting her moves to make it seem like I was the crazy one. That I fucked it all up. I was “too much.” Why? Because I needed answers to understand why she overturned my life in an instant … and was given NOTHING as to why. Sure we had talked. She would speak, and I would listen. She gave her excuses, made up more bull shit about why she couldn’t be with me anymore. Told me lies to make me feel better only to make me more and more “crazy.”
The famous last words from every woman I have dated – and lost. “You are a great person Allie; I’m just not in love with you” … if I am so great… why am I unlovable?
Well, here I am… having a pity party after starting a positive blog about my favorite time of the year. Pride has always been my holiday. The place I feel the most at home. My people surround me. I explode with rainbows and wear my queer badge proudly. Yet… this year, all I can think about is how I have no one to love me, how I am alone. I am broken.
BUT PEOPLE DO LOVE ME!!! Why can’t I get that in my head? Sex doesn’t equal love! I am surrounded by love daily. I have two exceptional children who I am so proud to say they call me Mom. I have the best Non-sexual Life Partner anyone could ask for, and I have a handful of close friends who will always be there for me. That is what matters in life. I am not alone.
Now, I am going forward and am determined to celebrate Pride the way we are supposed to celebrate. Surrounded by loved ones, the queer community, and hope for the future. As my therapist loves to remind me …. “You don’t go into a relationship to FILL a space inside of you; you go into a relationship to ADD more to your life.” I want to walk hand in hand with someone else for the rest of my life --- is that unreasonable and statistically unlikely? Maybe. But it is what I believe I can have someday if I continue to heal, improve myself, and learn. She is out there; I will find her one of these days. Only the Universe can show me where she is.
So, I will end now – hoping this post wasn’t too “poor me” and possibly spoke to one or two people who may be struggling with heartbreak long-term to see that they are not alone. You are not “crazy,” and love is never a bad thing. Keep spreading love into the world. They may not receive it well, but they will feel it deep down, and you could completely change someone’s day or life with a bit of kindness and love that they desperately needed.
Thank you for reading. I will get over this stupid heartbreak eventually ... right?? It is way overdue.
One Day at a Time… 24 ❤
