Serenity, Fellowship, and Not Giving Up
Trying to stay positive in a confusing journey
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Give me strength with the changes that take time, tolerance for those with different visions than mine, and the strength to get up and try again, one day at a time.”
A member spoke these words the other night at my meeting. A meeting I attended after weeks of being absent. Something pushed me not to drink Friday night and go to the meeting instead. It happened to be a speaker meeting, and the speaker was me. No, it wasn’t me, me. It was someone I had never related to so much. Her story was so similar to mine, and the things she spoke about were things I had went through growing up and in active addiction. The stories were so similar — but our stories today are vastly different. The way she spoke with such pride, her voice was so calming, and her experience, strength, and hope were incredibly inspiring. I didn’t take my eyes off the screen the entire time, rarely blinking. I was captivated. She spoke in a way I could keep up with as she jumped from topic to topic — that worked great for my ADD! It was a fun, powerful, and encouraging story. Her sober date is 2009 — the year my daughter was born. If I had only never gone back after having my first kid, I would have 13 years by now! THIRTEEN. That’s wild. Yet here I am … again at day two. Can I say it is day two if I don’t know when I might drink again? So, I will stop worrying about the numbers and start worrying about not drinking TODAY. That’s all that matters. Today. One day at a time.
Why am I writing this? I must be the most confusing person ever. What the hell is it I want? What is my message? Why can’t I figure this out?
Are my messages helping anyone? Or making things more confusing for people trying to get sober? I am obviously not an expert.
No one ever said recovery would be easy. But damn… it is really fucking hard sometimes. Too hard. Millions of people have figured this out, so I have faith I will figure it out too — someday. Soon, I hope.
The Universe is yelling at me, telling me NOT to give up and keep moving forward. One day at a time. So that’s what I am going to do. I’m not going to focus on the number of days I collect in a row — that’s daunting to me and clearly hasn’t been working great. Now, I am only focusing on TODAY. I will not drink today. I don’t know what tomorrow brings; I am only in control of today. So that’s what I did. I chose not to drink yesterday, and you know what — that led me not to want to drink today. The signs have been loud. Hearing a fantastic speaker made me cry, making me realize how much I want what another person has. I really want it. I cried because I want it so badly.
I decided to get out of my comfort zone and ask a friend to join me for coffee. A friend I have known for a few years now, yet we have never hung out one-on-one. The times we have spent together have always been excellent — helping puppy-sit his fluffy white dog while he was away, attending his housewarming party — sober. Helping him move and doggy dates. My friend is a fellow in the program, and I needed to connect with someone who understands me in person. My internet friends are AMAZING, and I couldn’t do this without them; I genuinely hope to be able to meet some of them in person someday. I still need someone I can meet physically and discuss the struggles. He was the exact person I needed at that very moment, and it felt so natural and comfortable to sit with him outside on a breezy Monday afternoon sipping coffee and eating delicious carrot cake while listening to the hustle and bustle around us. After a deep and personal conversation about life, breakups, and recovery struggles, we decided to attend an in-person meeting together next week to meet some local support to add to my team, hopefully. Just meeting with him made me not want to drink today … but the Universe and I have unfinished business.
Later, as I wandered the bright aisles of Target, I got a phone call. I don’t get phone calls too often, so I was so excited when I saw the name. A momentary resistance hit me at first, and I pushed that thought away quickly and eagerly answered the phone; it was a friend from my favorite meeting, Sober AF. Last night’s meeting was about fellowship in the program, which inspired him to make phone calls more often. Something many, if not most alcoholics, struggle with. Both picking up the phone to call someone and answering the phone when it rings. I am so thankful for answering the phone. We spoke about meaningful things; how we grew up, where we live, and our struggles. It turns out we have so many things in common other than both being addicts. It felt so great to be thought of and to speak to another person who cares about me. He motivated me to stick with it and push through the hard times and resistance. The phone call once again confirmed that I didn’t want to drink tonight. So, I’m not. Instead, I’m here, writing with a cold glass of water in the kitchen with loud pop music — Britney, Rihanna, Beyonce. You know, the gay classics. 😊 While my roommate scurries around frying, grilling, sautéing delicious food — all while he has a cake in the neighbor’s oven because our oven isn’t currently working. Who says people don’t help their neighbors anymore?! I have one helping us bake a cake and another who asks me to take our dog for a walk — Alba lays in the grass with her helicopter tail wagging in the air waiting excitedly. She is a very spoiled and loved pup, but I digress.
Fellowship. It matters. It can make or break a person in this program and is one of the most important things to help keep someone sober. It is easy to forget, and that is what happens to me. I withdraw, and I don’t pick up the phone. I don’t turn on my laptop. I don’t reach out.
These are days that I need to focus on, the good days. The days I feel motivated again. I feel happy and loved; I feel encouraged. I can’t think about the future, or I will get overwhelmed and give up again. It is one day at a time.
Another lesson I learned today … not all AA support groups on FB are safe or supportive. I am so thankful for my group’s closed AA group, where I can find genuine support any time of the day. That’s another story for another day… I love my Sober AF family.
24 ❤
